You’re ready to change. To improve, to transform, to evolve.
With this decision, you are undoubtedly going to be met with resistance. Resistance, seriously? Yes, even by those whom you love and that may be in your support network.
While working on our wellness should be something that those who love us, would fully support, I need to be transparent on this one. Not everyone will like your changes. It will jar some people, irritate them and perhaps annoy those who seemed to be your ride or die before hand.
When you begin to make changes or different choices, those around you may make comments and conversations such as, “Oh I’m so happy for you,” “Good for you,” or even “I totally support you making these changes.” However, when you get candid about improving your lifestyle, I want to prepare you for something else that may be coming your way too.
Insert, the mirror.
You are the mirror. Say what? I know you’re thinking I’m crazy, but you literally are the mirror that people are looking into, and the reflection back is themselves.
Let’s delve a bit further. While I sincerely and genuinely pray you do have several in your corner who are absolutely rooting for you to change (and all in with their love), there will be some stragglers likely too.
You see, when you start to want different, or change, or improve, your actions are sending a signal/message to others in the form of self-reflection. You aren’t purposefully being an in your face, look at what I’m doing now, but just by making changes, this is virtue signaling. And not everyone likes those signals. Especially if they are stuck or perhaps not on a wellness journey themselves.
Your behavior, choices, actions, whether it be related to exercise, food choice, abstaining from alcohol, starting a new routine, standing up for yourself, or finding your voice, all of those collectively are “the mirror.”
When people see/hear/view the changes you are implementing, it absolutely makes them think about their own life. Their own choices, behaviors and so forth. This is human nature and something we all do.
Think about this in the simplest form of peer pressure. We as humans peer pressure others to partake in whatever we are doing, so it makes us feel justified. That is the entire point of peer pressure. We aren’t alone in our choices and someone else is right along side us. Good choices, bad choices, we want someone else sharing in that choice because it makes us feel better to not partake alone.
Now, let’s think about the mirror. If you decide to go to dinner with friends/family, and let’s say you normally order red wine, and the group knows you normally order red wine, and you decide to abstain, you may start to hear some comments like this.
“What? You’re not drinking?”
“Are you serious, just have one!”
“Are you not going to be any fun anymore?”
“Do you have a drinking problem that we don’t know about?”
“Well I’ll drink enough for the two of us…that’s so lame.”
First off, what you put in your body, is your choice and your business…but the minute your choice may be different, or contrary to what others are doing it is “the mirror.” You are reflecting back on them, what they may not like in themselves. This can lead to them feeling inferior, less then, threatened, or even just triggered that you are choosing different than they are.
Keep CHOOSING DIFFERENTLY for yourself and where you are headed with your own wellness.
Their reactions, their displeasure, their annoyance is none of your business, nor should you take it personally. Your choices have everything to do with yourself and nothing to do with them.
This isn’t an example, this actually happened to me. I decided to abstain from alcohol for almost 12 months (aside from two vacations) and I had a friend tell me, they really couldn’t be friends with me anymore, and would have a hard time keeping friendships with people that don’t drink. I was FLOORED and blind sighted.
How did my choices effect her, or our friendship? I didn’t understand, and couldn’t understand. But then it hit me. The mirror.
I was headed in a different direction with my wellness. I of course wanted to maintain the friendship, but over the years, it slowly slipped away and that is absolutely acceptable. No harm no foul, just growing in two different directions.
The mirror may make people in your life go away, slip away, or plain turn around and run from you. The mirror may invoke people to use passive aggressive comments to demean your new wellness choices. The mirror may cause others to give you back handed compliments. Don’t be alarmed, instead be prepared.
The mirror, YOU. Your actions, your changes, your new behaviors.
Whatever reflections people see in you, let them have those.
You have absolutely no control over other people’s feeling about you and your journey.
When we make life changes, people in our lives may change too. THIS IS part of growth! If anyone in your life is not on board with your journey to being your best self, let them go. If you are unable to let them go, then minimize your time with them. You can have very specific boundaries about conversations and interactions with them. We ARE who we spend time with. You can’t be a marathon runner and train with a hockey team.
If you need some help with how to handle these scenarios, in which for example let’s say you don’t order what’s on the menu at the restaurant with family, or perhaps you decide you are going for a walk to clear your mind from the day, or maybe it’s as simple as you are wanting to go to church on Sundays now, here is what has worked for me. These are statements I have used that usually squelch the awkwardness or irritation the mirror can cause.
“I’m doing what’s best for me.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m committed to this change.”
“I am really working on myself right now and I am choosing differently.”
These three statements aren’t left to interpretation. They aren’t a but, or a question. They are an absolute hard stop to an inquiry, interrogation, and conversation. If the questions continue, keep repeating the statement. I promise you, they will stop when you are firm and confident in your statement.
The mirror can also be a very positive metaphor in your life too. People may become motivated, intrigued, curious, and desire change in themselves after seeing you on your own journey. They may ask you questions, want to get involved, and embrace what you’re doing and join in too! This is the invigorating part of changing as well! You get to empower others who have a growth mindset!
While it is hard to see people leave your life and even harder to set boundaries…remember, it is your life. You get to choose what you want, how you want to do things, and whatever the mirror reflects to others, is their business not yours.
Stay the course my friends! The waves keep coming, but we continue to ride the waves.
Love this! I have so many thoughts and feelings about this. People make excuses to you why they can’t do what you are doing. They then want you to acknowledge their excuses and be on their side. I simply just say well I’m sorry but I am making myself a priority and I make the time.
I love your response! It is honest and being impeccable with your word! Keep it up!
I have run into this sporadically, my response, you do you. I know not to take it personally and that questions 99% of the time are only coming from a place of good/fun/jest. On the other hand, I respect their choices as well, it’s not for me to judge but, I’m curious by nature, so when something is different…the only way to gain the knowledge is ask the questions.
Thanks for reading and commenting Michelle!